29 May 2013

The Jesus Jug Initiative

Seeing as Los Angeles is just a hop skip & a jump away from Orange County, I encourage like-minded audience members of Real Housewives to pause the DVR and recall the ancestral beginnings of this series. Orange County remains on the pedestal for all RH wives* to model themselves after. However, keeping in mind the ever-changing dynamic among the cast season after season, one wife has wormed her way into my ex-Catholic schoolgirl heart and made me a more sinful person. Nope, not fiery little mama Tamra; also not WTF Vicki, I can't even think of a catchphrase that encompasses your skewed way of logic and living and looking.

Woman is nothing, without MAN. And this woman, in particular, has the opportunity to reach thousands of households each season, all the while completely BUTCHERING the "word of the Lord," pretending she's a news anchor, and offering her expertise in the area of middle-aged bullying. She might anticipate the seven layers of hell her children have yet to endure merely for spawning from her, but she can't tear away from her reflection - that beautiful shnoz God gave her, OH wait.

All things considered, I am publishing online the following suggestion, which some may find sinful -- for me, it was an epiphany.


It would be in every citizen's constitutionally protected interest to submit the most non-delusional being in existence, Mrs. Alexis Bellino, to a medically-induced coma. 
 
Upon entering a vegetative state, however, it becomes difficult to judge which measures might be considered "playing God."  But, as Alexis mentions in one of her cute anecdotal intros, her husband is her king. I'm pretty sure her husband would not mind Alexis the Asparagus. He definitely strikes me as a King Henry.

* - Besides Slade's clinging to this show since day one, first introduced as Jo's fiancee (before her spin-off dating show -- yeah, the one in which Slade, her ex/the producer, decided to also enter the competition), then involved in scandal with Lauri, and now known for his leeching of Gretchen's fertility (and probably into designing her handbags), one other housewife has been a bother since her square face first penetrated my periphery. Not only was she not a housewife, her only claim to fame is her maiden name. Quagmire. She also received her own spin-off. Bravo, Bravo.


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